Christmas 2009!

So we managed to survive Christmas and all the fun that goes with it. We had a wonderful time with family, received some wonderful gifts, and enjoyed the holidays though we missed sharing them with Matt's mom when she was in NY. The boys has a great Christmas and received many surprises this year. There were many questions about Santa this year and this may be the last year... I'm not sure. I think Jacob knows, but just does not want to give it up yet. Besides how sad will that be. This year I pulled out all the stops.... footprints in the snow, reindeer food, and an email from Santa. We'll just have to see what happens next year....

Anyway, enjoy some Christmas photos....

Here's to a happy and healthy new year!

The day that changed my life forever

It will be 6 years ago on Friday that Killian died and the day that our lives changed forever. We still miss him, look at his pictures and smile, and talk about him. He is a living part of our family, even though he is not with us. Jacob found my journal in my bedroom the other day. Interesting he found it around this time, I did not journal for very long, just right after his death until his 1st birthday. Anyway, I'll share the story of this very sad day.

It was a normal day for us. I dropped and picked up Jacob from preschool and Matt was off work and caring for the boys that day. After lunch I headed out to work. At 7:00pm I was leaving my last appointment and the woman knitted a blanket for the baby. As I was leaving the house she asked "How is the baby?" "Perfect and wonderful" I answered "he doubled his weight and sleeps through the night, he's a great baby" As I was driving home, I called the house (like I always do) to let Matt know I was on my way home. The line was busy and I thought that was weird and continued to drive home. I kept dialing and it was still busy, now I was worried. A few minutes passed and the phone rang. It was Matt "we have a problem" he said. My thought was immediately to Killian, but I never thought he was dead. "Killian stopped breathing" I start screaming... "I did CPR, the ambulance just took him to Jameson Hospital" "I'll meet you there" and hung up the phone. I do not remember driving to the hospital at all. I turned into the hospital, passed the ER parking lot and parked in the wrong lot. I ran through the parking lot, but wound up by the gift shop in the hospital, I ran around like a nut and finally found the ER. I spotted a security guard and ran up to him, scared with tears streaming down my face. "My baby is here- where is he- i need to see him" "Calm down, you need to stand in line and register" A nurse came out immediately and took me back, she lead me into a small room with a sign outside that said Grief and Bereavement Room. This was the first time that I realized that he was not in good shape. Until then I had closed my mind to the thought that he would not make it, his was a chubby, healthy baby, give me a break. Matt comes running into the room, I remember that Logan had on only one shoe. The nurses were preparing us that he might have brain damage and will need to go to Pittsburgh for care if he pulls through. They asked us to call a family member so we called Matt's parents. Nurses kept coming in and saying "they are working as hard as they can for him right now" After about an hour, the doctor came in and said that he was gone. "We worked for an hour and have gotten no response" I thought to myself, and hour, it seems like 10 minutes "we will clean him up and you can go see him". We walked down the hall, the boys were with Matt's parents who had arrived, and went to hold our son for the last time. God was that hard. I scooped him up sat in a chair and held him, it looked like he was just sleeping, very peaceful. Matt held him next and sobbed. We were given as much time as we wanted with him. And then we left... it was really hard to fight every instinct you have as a parent to protect your child and we were leaving him alone in a cold, sterile hospital room.

I woke up at 5 am- no Killian- no baby to feed- i was overcome with sadness and laid in bed and sobbed. Matt was sleeping ( i later found out that he was up until 4am grieving). I decided to get up. Jacob woke up and cam downstairs "are you crying for Killian". "Yes, i miss him." "Can we go the the hospital and get him" "No, he died and is not coming home" "OK". Poor Jacob- so confused. Shortly after that the phone started ringing and did not stop for days.

Saturday was the day to make the arrangements. My parents came in from Jersey and were helping with the boys. We went out to make all of the arrangements. First we had to buy him an outfit and pick up the Christmas picture I had taken of him 2 weeks earlier. Of course I start crying at he Walmart counter... we get a frame and get out of there quick. Then we decide to go to sears to find a new outfit to bury him in, Matt requested something new because it would be too difficult to bury him in something he wore when he was alive. So it's a Saturday and it's 3 weeks before Christmas and I felt like punching every smiling shopper that passed me in the face... needless to say that was a quick shopping trip too. We get to the funeral home and meet a soft spoken man in a three piece suit. He showed us the casket, a small white casket with a velor lining and a little white pillow. We gave him the outfit, the picture, and finalized the plans. Off to the cemetery next. We met a man in jeans and a hooded sweatshirt, quite a change from the 3 piece suit weirdo of a funeral director. He showed us some available plots. Matt and his mom were diplomatically looking at where we were going to place him. I, at this point, am screaming in my head, "who gives a shit, pick a fucking plot of grass", but i kept my mouth shut. We picked some flowers, grabbed a beer and something to eat and went home. The mood with my parents was awkward- I went to bed early.

On Sunday, we had calling hours and the funeral director slowly pissed me off... i don't think he meant to, I just had no patience for his weirdness.

On Monday, we buried him. In snow. The last time I saw his face, the last time I touched him. Casket was sealed, blessings and all that stuff and then it was time to bury him. As we are standing in the snow I'm thinking "what a small hole, how fucked up is this, is this really happening". After the blessing of the grave, we left him, this time for good, fighting those instincts again, who leaves their baby in the snow. I do, my son is dead.

It has eased through the years, but I still miss him all the time.

Thanksgiving

I have been thinking about Thanksgiving today and all of the things that I am thankful for. First of all, for all of my blog readers who don't know, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. This is for two main reasons... the first is that it was our last holiday with Killian, so that alone makes it special to me. The other reason is that it is a very relaxed holiday, where we play a little football and eat a great dinner, and I just really enjoy it. It's almost the last relaxed day until after Christmas, or at least that's how I see it. Anyway, back to what I am thankful for. Of course the boys, even when they are at their worst I am thankful they are here and that they are healthy. Killian, for the 10 weeks that we spent with him that I will never forget. Matt and our marriage. It is pretty damn good... I'm not saying it's perfect or that we don't have our issues, but we are together and we have been through a hell of alot and it's still strong, and getting stronger every year. And my extended family members are great. They offer support and encouragement, and are always available to lend an ear. So I have a lot to be thankful for and hope that everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and can think of everything that they are thankful for too!

My little gobblers last year->

This years gobblers.. and their too cool pose ;)

Jacob is 10!

Jacob turned 10 on Saturday.... 10.... a decade old! That is just crazy, and hard to believe how fast he is growing up. It's a little sad too, but he had a great birthday! He received tons of lego sets, which really made him happy! The next day we had Zan's suprise party, so it was an eventful weekend to say the least. Jacob decided he wanted his party at the same place he had it last year, so we all went to the Olympic Fun Center and they had a blast! Here are some pictures of my big, bad, 10-year old!!!

Six

Six.... Killian would be six today. I often wonder what it would be like in our house with another crazy boy running around! I have been thinking about him more as his birthday approached and I can only say that I miss him more than anyone could know or understand. I was thinking about how different I am and will I ever be the same again? I am definitely not the same person I used to be. This could be a good thing, but it still feels like it's wrong, like I'm wrong. There is a hole in my heart that never heals. The dull ache is always there. It's like it shrinks for a while as we go through our daily lives and then becomes a big gaping hole when his birthday, death day, and holidays come around. I know that some people may think that our adoption is a replacement baby for him, but that could be further from the truth. She will be a joy to our family and a healer for the boys, especially Jacob (who remembers all the details of that night and has continued anxiety due to his brother's death). Matt and I simply have more love in our heart for another child. I have also been thinking about how not to take anthing for granted. When the boys are driving me nuts, I try to remember how lucky I am to have them in my life. The boys will never realize that they saved my life... literally. All of those days and weeks after he passed, when I thought about taking too many pills, or driving my car off the road, but I couldn't do it... there was no way I could abandon the boys I have and love. Someday, I will tell the boys how they saved me just by being them, being here, and the love we share. So for his sixth birthday post, I will share a photo of all of my boys. Happy sixth Killian.

The beach!

The beach was wonderful and 2 weeks there was such a treat. It was so nice to loose track of time and days, play with the boys every day, read 3 books, and take some naps. The house was great with 17 of us there... it was very big! The boys had a wonderful time.

It took until the 2nd day to convince the boys that the ocean was a fun place to swim. We did wind up getting them vests to wear because the rip tide was strong, but they did not complain. Once we were able to get them into the ocean, we were not able to get them out! Jacob also enjoyed fishing with his Uncle Jimmy, who really taught him a lot about fishing!

There was also the great search for beach glass going on, which consumed a lot of their time. We had 2 bonfires at the beach (or tried to... they were really pathetic fires) and went to catch crabs. The first night we went crabbing, we dropped a crab and it crawled up Jacob's leg.... needless to say I walked my crying son back to the beach house and he never saw the beach at night again.

There was also a mini golf day and a sandcastle day, which the boys both enjoyed! Their Uncle Jimmy (with a little help from Daddy) also made a treasure hunt for all the kids and the treasure was $20 each. The boys were really excited about that as well!

So much more happened over the 2 weeks, but I can't write it all down. It was a great vacation, that the boys will always remember... we have come home with wonderful memories of our vacation together- hopefully next year Mia will be with us!

Summer continues...

Things here have been pretty hectic this summer. There are continued motocross races, 4th of July, a visit from my brother from Texas, we are preparing for 2 weeks at the beach. We are so excited for our vacation.

At the end of June we went to Kennywood for our annual outing with my brother Chris, Lori, and Nick. It was a great time as always. Jacob finally rode the biggest coaster there and then rode it 2 more times. Once he was brave enough to try, he has become quite the connoisseur. Logan finally reached 46 inches and a whole new world at the park opened up to him. Logan continues to be completely different from Jacob and will ride anything he can! The kids had a wonderful time with their cousin Nick!

The Friday before the 4th the boys went to Idelwild with the Aunt Zan and cousin Tess! They again had a wonderful time and even got an old fashioned picture taken! Logan is the sheriff and Jacob is the cowboy and Tess, of course, the damsel in distress- too cute!The 4th of July celebration was at our house and it went well. Matt and Zan went out and bought some fireworks, so they were pretty fun to watch. Typical Tony lit a battery of fireworks that fell over and started shooting flaming balls into the woods. Since the house did not catch on fire we could all laugh about it!

This past weekend was also very eventful! My mother came to Pittsburgh for a visit and my brother Mark from Texas as well! It was a really nice gesture for them to spend a day on their tour of the East coast. The cousins really hit it off, which was nice and have really grown since I last saw them. It was nice to see them since it has been so long.

And now we prepare for our vacation! We are all so excited!! Logan has not seen the beach since he was a little over a year and Jacob since he was 3. They are going to have so much fun!

Finally, to talk about what this blog is about.... our daughter! I talked with our social worker the other day and there is still a wait for us. ALL of our paperwork will expire soon, but our dossier in China will not be effected (essentially we are still in line, even as things start to expire) it just means that shorter update forms will no longer be an option for us. We are in it for the long haul though! It's so interesting because, with just cause, I am asked about our adoption by others with hesitation, people seem to be afraid to ask. Just to let everyone know who is reading this, we are not giving up on her or this! There is (or will be) a girl in China who will be perfect for our family and needs a loving home, and that will be us- take care and we will update again after the beach!

Summer, summer, summertime!

The end of the school year was uneventful and we are moving into our 2nd full week of summer vacation. The boys are loving being out of school and for the most part have been fun to spend the time with, with the exception of their fights, which can be mean and physical.... pretty much an all out brawl- at least until someone gets hurt!

We have been very busy with their motocross racing and they are making good progress. They are both really getting used to the racing scene and more comfortable doing it. Jacob is still timid on the bike and is not an aggressive racer. (He rode quads for so long that the change to the bike has been a challenge for him) This usually results in last place for his age bracket, but he's OK with it. He is becoming more confident and assured of himself, which is what we were hoping for. Logan is nuts on his bike. He doesn't have the fastest type of bike in his class and still manages to place 2nd every race. We are looking to get him a faster bike, but we are having trouble funding him one right now. He is having a great time with the races though and really loves it!

We are still waiting to get our baby girl... we continually hear that there will be a speed up, but at this time it still moves at a snails pace. We still have 7 months of people ahead of us! Anyway, we will still wait...

July should be a fun month... we will be closing on a rental property and will finally become landlords- we are really excited about this. We are also hoping to get the hot tub area finished and put the tub in as well as an above ground pool! The boys are really excited, but are having trouble with the waiting part =) Take care everyone and we will update again soon!

May Madness!

Well it has been quite a week. We spent 3 days in Baltimore for my niece Emily's graduation from Hopkins. It was nice to experience this with her. Jacob spent most of his time under my dress staying out of the sun. Logan slept under the bleacher for the entire 2 hour commencement. He actually snaked his body under the guy next to me (who was a total stranger, but was very nice).

Then it was back home to prepare for Logan's party with his classmates. Logan turned 7! Logan was very excited to get an ipod and an iturtle. As well as some wii and ds games in the morning from us. Logan invited all 22 of his classmates , but it turned out to be 12 boys and 2 girls. We ate pizza, smacked a pinata, played kickball, and of course had cake, ice cream, and presents! Logan has a great time and his cousin Nick stayed longer to play and have dinner, so that was an extra bonus!

The next day was the family party. Dirtbike and quad riding and grilling out. It was a fun day and again Logan had a great time and got so many wonderful gifts. This year no one was hurt

either riding quads or otherwise. June should be exciting as well. The boys are done with school on June 4th and will continue with their motocross races. As for China, it continues to move at a snails pace, but we will continue to wait!

Spring happenings...

There has been a lot going on these days at the Vogel house, so I thought I would update and let everyone know what we have been up to. As the weather began to break we started to clean out the fish pond, that was attached to the deck and came with the house (fish too!), we realized that there was a problem. Matt and I have had limited success with these fish, here is the history. All of the fish survived the first winter, but the second winter all of the Koi fish died. We later found out that because we didn't crack the ice, they suffocated on their own carbon dioxide. I felt bad, but not bad enough to replace them. The 3rd year all of the bullfrogs died, and then this year ALL of the goldfish left were floaters... every last one of them. So we had a dilemma at this point. Do we get a new pump and more fish or do we drain the pond and make a nice space for a hot tub?? HOT TUB of course!

So that was a huge pain in the ass job and of course that weekend it was close to 90 degrees, but we got it done and the boys even chipped in for $2.00!

Right now all of the hot tub plans are on hold until we close on a rental property that we are buying at the end of the month. Matt is going to be wearing a landlord hat now... he's really excited about it. So the hot tub can wait... at least we can avoid West Nile virus now that all of the stagnant water is gone.

The other time consumer is the boys motocross racing. The boys have begun competitive motocross racing and they both really enjoy it. In the pictures Logan is on the blue bike with the #1 and Jacob is on an orange bike with a #53. It is pretty intense and there are many father's who are living their dreams vicariously through their children. Their kid's bikes are in mint condition, with the most expensive gear... you get the picture. And there are Jacob and Logan, bikes all muddy and scratched with gear in the same condition, and I wonder when the kids they are competing against ride. We bought our boys these bikes to ride, and they ride everyday that they can. It's a dangerous sport, but it is really great to see them having fun!

The next few weeks are going to be busy and we have birthday's coming up soon. Hopefully Logan's party this year will be injury free! For those who don't know a boy at Logan's party last year fell in the woods and cut his knee open to the bone... it was AWFUL!! I felt sooo bad. We are keeping our finger's crossed this year for no injuries and no playing in the woods will be allowed! Unfortunately my birthday is coming up as well. I'm starting to physically feel old, which is definitely something I don't like. Matt, of course, finds my aches and pains amusing since he has been already experiencing unexplained pains for a few years!

I will update again after our trip to Baltimore and the birthdays/memorial day weekend!

Easter fun!

We have been busy since spring has arrived with working outside and spending time with the family. We all went to the Circus in Pittsburgh... the boys LOVED it. They talked about it nonstop for days after we saw it. Logan had a spring program and he was really excited about it! He did a great job, he know all his dance moves and words to the songs... he was too cute!

Then it was Easter weekend. Matt went to the cabin for some guy time and the boys and I hung out together. We met up with cousin Nick at the Fun Center for some fun and they had a great tme... at least until we got home. The boys and Nick were riding their bicycles on the motocross track and all was well until... Jacob came in screaming after getting his middle finger caught between the spoke and the chain and ripped the pad of his finger practically off. It was ugly and shortly after Nick and Lori went home. In hindsight he should have been stiched... I wanted to take him to the ER but Matt talked me out of it.

By Easter morning all was forgotten. His finger was still tender, but he was able to hunt for eggs like a champ! At our house the bunny hides eggs, stuffed with candy, all over the house and the boys have to search for the eggs with their intial on it. It's always tons of fun and this year they got some motocross gear to boot... a very sucessful morning!


We shared a wonderful afternoon with family... there were 2 more missing this year from the table and that always makes hoildays difficult, but it has brought the whole family closer together. Summer is coming before we know it and the boys just can't wait. They have their first motocross race on May 2nd and are so excited! As for our daughter we still wait... the process is still slow :( We'll update again!

The room is painted!

Ok so here we go with the saga of Mia's room, it's actually not that dramatic, but required some thought. The boys now share a bedroom. They actually prefer it this way, Jacob has a lot of anxiety and likes to have Logan with him at night. So we got their room situated first... motocross themed of course. Then it was to tackle her room. There is brown carpeting in that room and I wasn't about to re-carpet so I had to pick a color that would work well. I went to Lowe's and got some colors and in the end went with Peach Ash (or peach ass as Matt liked to call it). When I was done painting the room we all thought it was really bright and PINK. Matt and I thought it was alittle crazy, but we never had a girl, so I had some friends (with girls) look at it and the color passed, so we were done with that part. Then it was off to look at wallpapers and that was as stressful as picking the color. Do I go with Wallies or a border??? When I started looking I didn't like anything. Most of the borders had a pink background, which wouldn't work, or were themed. Not that there is anything wrong with a Disney Princess room, but it was not appealing to me. So now what.. it was quite a dilemma. A few weeks later I was at my neighbors house and she showed me her bedroom that she stenciled and I thought that could be an idea for Mia's room. So I started looking online and found one that I thought was really cute. I ordered it and went to work!

The first job was to paint a lighter background for the stencils. So I mixed white paint with the leftover peach paint and created a very light peach. Then I measured, leveled, and taped a border, and finally painted the strip.

Then the stenciling began... below are pictures of the first stencil completed and the details over it, as well as a close up of the wall stencils.

I think it turned out well, but it was a lot more time consuming than I thought it would be! Now all we need is a baby to put in it ;-)

Spring is here! (Or so we hope..)

I have not updated in some time, so I thought I could update now. We did a whole bunch of nothin' during the month of February. It was cold and crappy and we spent most of our time huddled in the house. But now that it's warmer, the boys are outside playing, there is less fighting, and much better sleeping for my ADHD buddies! We have also had our first motocross practice which all of the boys (Matt included) were excited about. The boys (Matt included again) plan to race this Spring so we are in full practice mode here at the Vogel house!

Jacob has gotten a new dirtbike and really loves it. Here are some pictures of him in action!

Logan has also gotten a new dirtbike as well and is also enjoying it! He is a bit crazier that Jacob on it though... for those of you who know Logan well- I'm sure you are just shocked by this!

As for our adoption... we still wait. I have gotten a call from my agency that they have some information that the wait could speed up... I just keep my fingers crossed. I have finally decided what to do with the nursery, so once I finish it I will post the pictures!

I will continue to let you know as the adoption and the craziness of out household progresses!