Catching up

Well, things have been pretty busy around here at the Vogel house. First I will update everyone about Mia. Our paperwork has Hillary Clinton's official stamp of approval on it and we will be getting it back on Monday and then it goes to CHINA!!!! We are so excited and hope that they process everything and invite us to come get her soon! We cannot wait to bring her home!

May is always a busy month at our house... Logan turned 8! I really can't believe it... it seems like just yesterday that I was bringing him home from the hospital. I'm sure it's a moment you never forget and when he turns 18 I will probably think the same thing. All that Logan wanted for his birthday was a hippity hop and a hamster or guinea pig. We strung him along for several weeks, telling him that I wasn't sure if we were going to be able to get him one. So we had his guinea pig ready when he came home from school on Friday and he was so excited!

Then it was a party with some of his friends at the house. A slip n slide, pinata, and water balloon toss went over well with all of the boys! Logan had a wonderful time with Jacob, his friends, and his cousin Nick!

The boys have only been able to race one motocross race because it rains every weekend! They have been disappointed, but I'm sure we will have several races in a row because of all the cancellations and we will keep everyone updated on their progress. During the first race they both placed 3rd, so they were happy about that! We are also proud of Jacob because he received the citizenship award, an award only given to one 4th grader! So proud of him. I'm sure the summer will bring more adventures for us and we will keep everyone posted on our journey to Mia.

Questions....

It started this past Tuesday at dinner. I thought I would be ready and I am in a way, I just never know how much is too much. I just am honest and roll with it I guess. At dinner Jacob mentioned that a girl in his class had to have a surgery on her arm. Logan asked "What's surgery?" So I tell him that it is when there is something wrong on the inside of your body and the doctors have to cut you open to fix it. Jacob then asks "Won't Mia have to have a surgery to fix her heart?" I explain to both of them that she will have to get her heart fixed with a surgery, but that she will be all fixed when it is over. Logan then says, with wet eyes "But that will hurt her won't it? I feel bad for her, I don't want her to be hurt". So I tell him that it will hurt at first, but that it will not hurt forever and that she will be good as new. Both boys seemed satisfied at this point, for now... part one over.

Round 2 bedtime. Logan tells me that he is afraid that she will die, like his brother Killian. So I try to be as honest as I can and let him know that I can't promise she will be OK, but I'm pretty sure she'll be OK.
At this point it is both boys talking...

"How did Killian die"---- "He died of SIDS which means his brain told his body to stop breathing, but this only happens to little babies. You and Jacob are fine and since Mia is 3 this should not happen to her either. No one really know why it happens"

"What was he like" --- "He loved you both"

"How did you know" --- "He smiled at you both all the time. (to Logan) you liked to play with his feet, and (to Jacob) you loved to hold him and feed him a bottle"

Jacob says "I remember that" Logan says "I don't remember him at all"

I tell Logan that he wouldn't because he was only 18 months old.

Jacob says "I remember the police officers and ambulance people in the house and that you used to cry every day" So of course I start to cry again and tell him that I miss Killian all the time, but I have just learned to live with the sadness in my heart.

Then Jacob says "If you had me, Logan, and Killian would we still be adopting Mia?"
He is so intuitive it kills me. So I tell him my truthful thoughts, which are I don't know. Our family and our life is different now. If Killian was here, who knows what our life would be like. I tell them that I would give anything to have him back, but that it just wasn't meant to be. I tell them that we are so proud of them, that they are willing to share us with a little sister and love her with us.

I am so proud of my boys and thankful that they feel comfortable in asking me questions. It still always throws me off guard though.

Moving through paper...

We have been very busy here trying to get all of our paperwork completed so that we can go get our girl! I just wish that everyone else (like the gov't and state departments) would feel the same sense of urgency that we do! I looked up her chinese translation this morning and her name means "peaceful cloud". From her description in the paperwork from China, she is a peacemaker, so I think the name fits!

Around here we have been pretty busy. Spring (it actually feels more like summer) has arrived and so have the sounds of motocross around the house. The boys will have their first race in a few weeks and are very excited! They have been riding any day that they can on the track around the house.

During the month of March, I decided to paint the house! I painted the upstairs hall, living room, dining room, kitchen, and family room. It looks great and I just have to finish the downstairs hallway.... Matt thinks I am nesting and I probably have to agree with him! We took the boys to the driving range to try out their new clubs they got for Christmas. They had alot of fun! We also went bowling for big brothers/big sisters and we had a good time with Chris, Lori, and Nick!

Easter was fun. The boys got new motocross racing outfits, which they were excited about. They also went hunting around the house for their eggs, which they always enjoy. Then it was a relaxing afternoon at Matt's sisters house and a wonderful meal! This weekend is a surprise birthday party for Matt's mom and my parents come in for Nick's first communion. The month of April is turning out to be a busy one!

I'll keep posting as things move with the adoption!

Our girl's heart

We have been asked a lot of questions so I thought I would explain (copy and paste from a medical site) our baby girl's heart condition. We are not exactly sure what she has. The sonogram of her heart does not make complete sense, but we believe that she has a condition called Tetralogy of Fallot. We do not have a concrete diagnosis because the test used and results are poorly written. Our social worker explained that where she is located in China, the medical technology is poor, and they will not spend the money on a "orphan" to get further testing completed in a major city, such as Beijing. We will complete further tests at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh as soon as we get her home. So here is her condition...

Tetralogy of Fallot involves four heart defects:
A large ventricular septal defect (VSD)
Pulmonary (PULL-mon-ary) stenosis
Right ventricular hypertrophy (hi-PER-tro-fe)
An overriding aorta


Ventricular Septal Defect
The heart has a wall that separates the two chambers on its left side from the two chambers on its right side. This wall is called a septum. The septum prevents blood from mixing between the two sides of the heart. A VSD is a hole in the part of the septum that separates the ventricles, the lower chambers of the heart. The hole allows oxygen-rich blood from the left ventricle to mix with oxygen-poor blood from the right ventricle.

Pulmonary Stenosis
This defect is a narrowing of the pulmonary valve and the passage through which blood flows from the right ventricle to the pulmonary artery.
Normally, oxygen-poor blood from the right ventricle flows through the pulmonary valve, into the pulmonary artery, and out to the lungs to pick up oxygen. In pulmonary stenosis, the heart has to work harder than normal to pump blood, and not enough blood reaches the lungs.


Right Ventricular Hypertrophy
This defect occurs if the right ventricle thickens because the heart has to pump harder than it should to move blood through the narrowed pulmonary valve.

Overriding Aorta
This is a defect in the aorta, the main artery that carries oxygen-rich blood to the body. In a healthy heart, the aorta is attached to the left ventricle. This allows only oxygen-rich blood to flow to the body.
In tetralogy of Fallot, the aorta is between the left and right ventricles, directly over the VSD. As a result, oxygen-poor blood from the right ventricle flows directly into the aorta instead of into the pulmonary artery to the lungs.

Outlook
Together, these four defects mean that not enough blood is able to reach the lungs to get oxygen, and oxygen-poor blood flows out to the body. This needs open heart surgery to be repaired.

This is scary stuff for us, but with repair the outlook is good. She will never be a track star, but that's OK with us. We have been asked several times why we are adopting a little girl with a bum heart. (that's how I like to describe it) The answer is simple, we felt a connection with her, and she will die in China as a young adult if this is not repaired. As many of you know, Matt was adopted when he was 3 1/2 and he did not have a medical condition that threatened his life, but the environmental situations that he was involved in through the foster care system, he would have chosen a different, most likely more delinquent, path in life. Matt felt VERY strongly that we bring her into our family. I guess you can say he is "paying it forward" So no, she is not perfect, but who is? We feel that a lovely little girl who will enrich our lives as much as we will enrich hers, and we can't wait to bring her home!

Our Duaghter An Banyun.... Mia is here!!!

Ok So I know that everyone is dying to see her so I'll post her pictures first. Keep in mind that we have to put a smile on her face and that they shave all the babies heads to keep the lice away. Also she looks much bigger than she actually is because they have several layers of clothing on her. The do not keep the heat very high in the orphanages, so it is common for the children to wear 4-5 layers of clothing. She is actually only 22 pounds and 2 feet 8 inches tall, that means she will wear 12-18 month clothes. She is a quite a little peanut! We just think that she is precious and can't wait to get her home! (The middle photo is my favorite!)

So here is what we know about her. Banyun (mia) was found abandoned at the orphanage gate on September 25, 2007. They determined her birthday to be March 10, 2007 according to her growth and development. She was abandoned at approximately 6 months old. There was no note attached to her. We can only assume that her birth family could not care for her or was unable to provide her with the medical treatment that she needs. I'm sure it was a difficult decision for her birth parents to make.

Banyun (mia) likes to eat steamed eggs, milk, noodles, congee, and fruit. She likes rocking horses, tricycles, looking at books, being read to, and playing with dolls. When she plays outside she likes to slide and swing. She likes to play hide and seek and likes to be cuddled :) She plays peacefully with other children, does not grab their toys, and shares her cookies. She is a deep sleeper (woohoo!), she can imitate drawing Ines, she can place objects in and out of cups, she can stack blocks, she can turn pages of a book, she knows big and small and her colors. She speaks in sentences (in Mandarin Chinese though), and she knows her body parts.

Her personality is described as timid and shy (the boys will quickly change that I'm sure!) She enjoys music and toys. She likes to play peekaboo and hide and seek. She is talkative, has a ready smile (wish we could see it), and gets along well with others. She has a close bond with her caretaker.

Mia (Banyun) is in Children's Welfare Institute of Xi'an China.

Xi'an has cold and snowy winters and hot and humid summers. It is most famous for it's Terracotta Warriors that we carved during the first Qin Dynasty to deter invasion of the countryside. That will be really cool to see.

We are hoping to travel to China in May or June to get her. We will spend 2 weeks in China with her, so that will be an awesome adventure! It is difficult to determine what is exactly wrong with her heart. The ultrasound report does not really make sense, but it is apparent that it is one of 2 major defects. When we get her home we will have her heart examined and are prepared to have the surgery completed as soon as possible. I will be sending her a care package to the orphanage for her birthday.

We have sent a letter to China asking to adopt her and promising to love her as if she was one of our own. They have 2 weeks to agree to our adoption, they never disagree, it's just a formality. Next is updating all of our paperwork.... all over again! We will move as quickly as we can on this because the sooner the paperwork is done, the sooner we can go get her!!

Thanks for everyone's support and well wishes! We will keep everyone updates as this process moves along.

Christmas 2009!

So we managed to survive Christmas and all the fun that goes with it. We had a wonderful time with family, received some wonderful gifts, and enjoyed the holidays though we missed sharing them with Matt's mom when she was in NY. The boys has a great Christmas and received many surprises this year. There were many questions about Santa this year and this may be the last year... I'm not sure. I think Jacob knows, but just does not want to give it up yet. Besides how sad will that be. This year I pulled out all the stops.... footprints in the snow, reindeer food, and an email from Santa. We'll just have to see what happens next year....

Anyway, enjoy some Christmas photos....

Here's to a happy and healthy new year!

The day that changed my life forever

It will be 6 years ago on Friday that Killian died and the day that our lives changed forever. We still miss him, look at his pictures and smile, and talk about him. He is a living part of our family, even though he is not with us. Jacob found my journal in my bedroom the other day. Interesting he found it around this time, I did not journal for very long, just right after his death until his 1st birthday. Anyway, I'll share the story of this very sad day.

It was a normal day for us. I dropped and picked up Jacob from preschool and Matt was off work and caring for the boys that day. After lunch I headed out to work. At 7:00pm I was leaving my last appointment and the woman knitted a blanket for the baby. As I was leaving the house she asked "How is the baby?" "Perfect and wonderful" I answered "he doubled his weight and sleeps through the night, he's a great baby" As I was driving home, I called the house (like I always do) to let Matt know I was on my way home. The line was busy and I thought that was weird and continued to drive home. I kept dialing and it was still busy, now I was worried. A few minutes passed and the phone rang. It was Matt "we have a problem" he said. My thought was immediately to Killian, but I never thought he was dead. "Killian stopped breathing" I start screaming... "I did CPR, the ambulance just took him to Jameson Hospital" "I'll meet you there" and hung up the phone. I do not remember driving to the hospital at all. I turned into the hospital, passed the ER parking lot and parked in the wrong lot. I ran through the parking lot, but wound up by the gift shop in the hospital, I ran around like a nut and finally found the ER. I spotted a security guard and ran up to him, scared with tears streaming down my face. "My baby is here- where is he- i need to see him" "Calm down, you need to stand in line and register" A nurse came out immediately and took me back, she lead me into a small room with a sign outside that said Grief and Bereavement Room. This was the first time that I realized that he was not in good shape. Until then I had closed my mind to the thought that he would not make it, his was a chubby, healthy baby, give me a break. Matt comes running into the room, I remember that Logan had on only one shoe. The nurses were preparing us that he might have brain damage and will need to go to Pittsburgh for care if he pulls through. They asked us to call a family member so we called Matt's parents. Nurses kept coming in and saying "they are working as hard as they can for him right now" After about an hour, the doctor came in and said that he was gone. "We worked for an hour and have gotten no response" I thought to myself, and hour, it seems like 10 minutes "we will clean him up and you can go see him". We walked down the hall, the boys were with Matt's parents who had arrived, and went to hold our son for the last time. God was that hard. I scooped him up sat in a chair and held him, it looked like he was just sleeping, very peaceful. Matt held him next and sobbed. We were given as much time as we wanted with him. And then we left... it was really hard to fight every instinct you have as a parent to protect your child and we were leaving him alone in a cold, sterile hospital room.

I woke up at 5 am- no Killian- no baby to feed- i was overcome with sadness and laid in bed and sobbed. Matt was sleeping ( i later found out that he was up until 4am grieving). I decided to get up. Jacob woke up and cam downstairs "are you crying for Killian". "Yes, i miss him." "Can we go the the hospital and get him" "No, he died and is not coming home" "OK". Poor Jacob- so confused. Shortly after that the phone started ringing and did not stop for days.

Saturday was the day to make the arrangements. My parents came in from Jersey and were helping with the boys. We went out to make all of the arrangements. First we had to buy him an outfit and pick up the Christmas picture I had taken of him 2 weeks earlier. Of course I start crying at he Walmart counter... we get a frame and get out of there quick. Then we decide to go to sears to find a new outfit to bury him in, Matt requested something new because it would be too difficult to bury him in something he wore when he was alive. So it's a Saturday and it's 3 weeks before Christmas and I felt like punching every smiling shopper that passed me in the face... needless to say that was a quick shopping trip too. We get to the funeral home and meet a soft spoken man in a three piece suit. He showed us the casket, a small white casket with a velor lining and a little white pillow. We gave him the outfit, the picture, and finalized the plans. Off to the cemetery next. We met a man in jeans and a hooded sweatshirt, quite a change from the 3 piece suit weirdo of a funeral director. He showed us some available plots. Matt and his mom were diplomatically looking at where we were going to place him. I, at this point, am screaming in my head, "who gives a shit, pick a fucking plot of grass", but i kept my mouth shut. We picked some flowers, grabbed a beer and something to eat and went home. The mood with my parents was awkward- I went to bed early.

On Sunday, we had calling hours and the funeral director slowly pissed me off... i don't think he meant to, I just had no patience for his weirdness.

On Monday, we buried him. In snow. The last time I saw his face, the last time I touched him. Casket was sealed, blessings and all that stuff and then it was time to bury him. As we are standing in the snow I'm thinking "what a small hole, how fucked up is this, is this really happening". After the blessing of the grave, we left him, this time for good, fighting those instincts again, who leaves their baby in the snow. I do, my son is dead.

It has eased through the years, but I still miss him all the time.