Six

Six.... Killian would be six today. I often wonder what it would be like in our house with another crazy boy running around! I have been thinking about him more as his birthday approached and I can only say that I miss him more than anyone could know or understand. I was thinking about how different I am and will I ever be the same again? I am definitely not the same person I used to be. This could be a good thing, but it still feels like it's wrong, like I'm wrong. There is a hole in my heart that never heals. The dull ache is always there. It's like it shrinks for a while as we go through our daily lives and then becomes a big gaping hole when his birthday, death day, and holidays come around. I know that some people may think that our adoption is a replacement baby for him, but that could be further from the truth. She will be a joy to our family and a healer for the boys, especially Jacob (who remembers all the details of that night and has continued anxiety due to his brother's death). Matt and I simply have more love in our heart for another child. I have also been thinking about how not to take anthing for granted. When the boys are driving me nuts, I try to remember how lucky I am to have them in my life. The boys will never realize that they saved my life... literally. All of those days and weeks after he passed, when I thought about taking too many pills, or driving my car off the road, but I couldn't do it... there was no way I could abandon the boys I have and love. Someday, I will tell the boys how they saved me just by being them, being here, and the love we share. So for his sixth birthday post, I will share a photo of all of my boys. Happy sixth Killian.