It started this past Tuesday at dinner. I thought I would be ready and I am in a way, I just never know how much is too much. I just am honest and roll with it I guess. At dinner Jacob mentioned that a girl in his class had to have a surgery on her arm. Logan asked "What's surgery?" So I tell him that it is when there is something wrong on the inside of your body and the doctors have to cut you open to fix it. Jacob then asks "Won't Mia have to have a surgery to fix her heart?" I explain to both of them that she will have to get her heart fixed with a surgery, but that she will be all fixed when it is over. Logan then says, with wet eyes "But that will hurt her won't it? I feel bad for her, I don't want her to be hurt". So I tell him that it will hurt at first, but that it will not hurt forever and that she will be good as new. Both boys seemed satisfied at this point, for now... part one over.
Round 2 bedtime. Logan tells me that he is afraid that she will die, like his brother Killian. So I try to be as honest as I can and let him know that I can't promise she will be OK, but I'm pretty sure she'll be OK.
At this point it is both boys talking...
"How did Killian die"---- "He died of SIDS which means his brain told his body to stop breathing, but this only happens to little babies. You and Jacob are fine and since Mia is 3 this should not happen to her either. No one really know why it happens"
"What was he like" --- "He loved you both"
"How did you know" --- "He smiled at you both all the time. (to Logan) you liked to play with his feet, and (to Jacob) you loved to hold him and feed him a bottle"
Jacob says "I remember that" Logan says "I don't remember him at all"
I tell Logan that he wouldn't because he was only 18 months old.
Jacob says "I remember the police officers and ambulance people in the house and that you used to cry every day" So of course I start to cry again and tell him that I miss Killian all the time, but I have just learned to live with the sadness in my heart.
Then Jacob says "If you had me, Logan, and Killian would we still be adopting Mia?"
He is so intuitive it kills me. So I tell him my truthful thoughts, which are I don't know. Our family and our life is different now. If Killian was here, who knows what our life would be like. I tell them that I would give anything to have him back, but that it just wasn't meant to be. I tell them that we are so proud of them, that they are willing to share us with a little sister and love her with us.
I am so proud of my boys and thankful that they feel comfortable in asking me questions. It still always throws me off guard though.
