Thoughts of China...

I know that the next few days will be a whirlwind, so I have decided to blog some of my thoughts today. The first thought that I have is of our baby Killian. This will be our 5th Christmas without him. Logan asked me about him yesterday and was asking why a baby would die. Logan is really understanding death at this time, since his Grandpa recently died, but struggled with his younger brother's death, because this does not make sense... yes I understand that too, but his is our path in this life. And although I would trade any lessons I have learned, to be my shallow self before his death, I can't deny that my life has changed since loosing him. I am grateful for my healthy and happy boys. I appreciate family more, and have to believe that we are adopting a daughter now because Killian knows this will heal us. Killian is always with us... I can feel him and see his signs from time to time. And our baby in China... so many unanswered questions. Is she born, where was she abandoned, is she loved this Christmas, is she warm, is she being held, is her belly full??? All these questions that we don't know the answers to.. we can only hope that we will be holding her soon.