10 months!

We have now had Mia for 10 months!!  And she is great!  Mia L-O-V-E-S pre-school.  She gets so excited every day to go.  She is making friends and learning so much.  The school does a developmental screening on the kids and she failed her language screen (identifying different objects by name... shocking I know! LOL!) and her gross motor screen, which we were also no surprised by.  She is a klutz, so they will be bringing PT into school to work with her.  I would be a klutz too, if I couldn't run for almost 4 years!  The theme with Mia for the last 2 month has been "testing".  If I scream and cry in the middle of the mall because I want a dress and not a jacket, what will you do?  If I refuse to answer you when you talk to me, what will happen? It doesn't happen all day long and I just try to remain positive, if she didn't trust us or was comfortable in our home, she wouldn't do it, so I guess we all just get those pats on the back for making her feel truly a part of the family.  As for her health, not the best news, but we knew it was going to be a long road for her back in January.  She was starting to have blue spells late summer.  When we went to Children's for our follow up, they could see a blockage in her heart, close to where the shunt was placed.  She will go in on Tues 10/25 for a heart cath and we have our finger's crossed that they can balloon it open then.  Either way, it looks like she will be having another open heart procedure in the next few months, because they need to move on with repairs to her heart, small and steady steps to repair her heart... complete repair is still unknown.  She attended her first wedding and got a "princess dress", her words, for the occasion.  She had a blast and loved the entire weekend away!  Congrats again to Andrew and Bettina!

Jacob is doing well.  6th grade now and is doing very well this year in school.  He is finally taking his homework responsibilities seriously , which makes for more pleasant evenings in the Vogel house!  He turned 12 on October 10th, which was celebrated in Philadelphia!  He had a nice day and got a Foosball table when we returned home.  He plays a lot with his Dad!

If you remember last year for Logan in school was hellatious!  This year is wonderful.  He was diagnosed in May with Dyslexia and with the correct supports he is doing so well this year in 4th grade.  No more tears, no more faking sick... he actually enjoys school for the first time since Kindergarten!  Logan has also joined Scouts and he really enjoys the activities through Scouts as well.

Puppy Jack is growing so big, but is a great dog.  Completely trained at 4 months and knows basic commands.  He is also quite snuggly and spoiled!  We are not sure how long he will believe that he is a lap dog, because it won't last much longer!

Matt and I are the same... some work, some play, just trying to survive the kids and all that they bring daily.

I will keep everyone updated with Mia's health.

missed

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours

and not expect to get over my child's death,
but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

Just for today I will remember my child's life,

not just his death,
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.

Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends
who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to.
They truly did not know how.

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,
for maybe if I smile a little,
my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child,
for they are hurting too,
and perhaps we can help each other.

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,
for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world
I could of done to save my child from death,
I would of done it.

Just for today I will honor my child's memory
by doing something with my other children
because I know that would make him proud.

Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship
to another bereaved parent
for I do know how they feel.

Just for today when my heart feels like breaking,
I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving
and the only reason I hurt is because
I had the privilege of loving so much

Just for today I will not compare myself with others.
I am fortunate to be who I am
and have had my child for as long as I did.

Just for today I will allow myself to be happy,
for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.
Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did,
my life did go on,
and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.


Happy 8th birthday Killian... you are never far from our thoughts and hearts.

8 months tomorrow!! (seems like she has always been here though)

Well the month of August has been pretty uneventful for the Vogel family, with the exception of the septic backing up and the water pressure tank spraying water all over the basement!  The boys have been enjoying their last days of freedom from school fishing, riding dirt bikes, and swimming.  They have also been getting into some trouble and doing some wild things, such as riding a wagon down a steep hill towards the road = 0!  The other night they rigged a saucer sled to a bicycle. They worked super hard on it, geared up with helmets and knee pads and rode the sled down the driveway!  It was not only creative, but hysterical to watch!

And Miss Mia is doing so well.  She is sooooo excited to go to pre-school in a few weeks.  She tells us that she is excited to make new friends and will share her toys.  Her English continues to progress.  We are going to have her evaluated by a speech therapist to make sure that their is nothing that we or they could work on with her.  Matt's favorite thing to say to her is "Ni hao" (which means hello in Chinese)  Mia cracks up every time and corrects our pronunciation.  It is so cute!  She is growing like a weed and continues to have a great appetite.  She has gotten so big before our eyes and she is simply beautiful.  She has adjusted better than we could have ever expected and it is really like she has always been here.  As far as her health goes, she continues to do well and plays like a healthy child right now.  I take her back to the cardiologist in mid-September, when I anticipate that they will be scheduling her for her next heart Catherization.  She loves us and we love her.  She talks about going back to China to visit, but does not want to live there. She wants us all to go to China with her... she is so smart!

Mia this spring

Mia yesterday

The last surprise for the month is that on July 20th we got a new puppy!  Jack the Saint Bernard!  We were planning to wait until Spring for a new puppy, but it was so lonely in the house without a dog around.  He is a puppy in many ways, but very laid back.  He is also doing really well with potty training!  It has been nice to train a dog with the boys home... they actually help to take him out!

I will keep everyone posted with updates about our family... thanks for caring and reading!

7 months with Mia!!!

Tuesday marks 7 months with our little miss Mia!  She has had several firsts over the past month. 

She celebrated her first father's day with Matt and the kids made him a "#1 dad" trophy!

She is a fish and loves swimming.  She started using water wings this week and loves them.  She swims for hours at a time.  She also experienced a trip and face plant :(  She sacrificed her baby's safety for her face when she tripped!  That is the injury under her nose...

Mia also saw her first fireworks and loved them as well.  On the 4th we shot fireworks at our house and the only thing she didn't like was the firecrackers.  The following weekend we saw professional fireworks and she loved them.  She kept saying "beautiful"!!  Speaking of her language, she is picking up English so quickly and is really smart!  She has counting to 10 down, but she is still struggling with colors.  She will be attending pre-school in the fall, so that should help her to further develop her language.

We also had our first photo shoot and we finally got her 4 year old picture done.  She's a ham!

Finally I wanted to say sorry about my last doom and gloom post.  I know this will sound strange, but I had this overwhelming sense of dread that weekend, and I assumed it was because of Mia's medical condition.  It turns out that the following monday, our dog George was diagnosed with cancer.  We just put him to sleep this past Monday.... it was really hard on the boys, especially Logan.  We miss him.

Stay tuned for more adventures of the Vogels!!

The best possible life....

When we wound up admitted to Children's Pittsburgh 1 1/2 days and they did her first heart catherization, the Catherization team of doctors came to us and said "there is nothing we can do for her... at this point you just have to give her the best possible life that you can."  That moment and that phrase has stuck with me.  Is it even possible to cram "the best possible life" into 16 to 26 years?   Will she be healthy enough to dance at her prom, experience her first kiss, fall in love, have her own children and care for them like she does for her babies?   What exactly is the "best possible life" anyway.  Sure it includes love and hugs and kisses, which she gets plenty of, but what else.  We all know that material objects make people happy, but really happy?  I don't know what would be the best possible thing in her life, mostly because I don't even know if she will be able to experience it before she's 30.  Adoption is quite a different experience than having the boys and having carried them for 9 months.  We had time to get to know them and love them even before they were born.  And when they arrived, it was beautiful.  Adoption is beautiful too.  As Mia changes and grows we do too, with her.  I fall more in love with her every day that passes... we all do.  I think too that I have so much time with our boys, to screw up and figure it out, and eventually settle on our relationship when they are adults.  But with her I always feel I need to get everything right.  Like a screw up on my part is part of her life wasted.  So I guess I have come full circle again.  How do I ensure that she has the "best possible" in the years that she is with us?  I guess it's just love, that's the best we can give her. 

Tomorrow marks 6 months with Mia!

It's hard and easy to believe that Mia has been with us for 6 months now.  She has changed so much in the past 6 months.  Mia's english is coming around at amazing speed and she communicates in sentences with us now.  When it Mia was upset in the past she would shut down and refuse to speak (which was frustrating for all of us), but now she'll tell us what's wrong, and is always quick to tattle on her brothers!

Mia loves to swim and be outside.  She likes to draw and color.  She is counting to 10 consistently now and knows about 1/2 of her primary colors.  The most important thing about Mia is that she is so happy... 99% of the time, and this is no exaggeration.  She plays, laughs, runs, and is very snuggly.  Every day when she gets dressed she says "I'm a pretty princess!" She definitely is the princess in this house.  When she hasn't annoyed them, Jacob and Logan spoil her, play with her, and carry her around.  But the one she has completely wrapped around her finger is her daddy!  In Matt's eyes Mia can do no wrong, and he admits that he has trouble disciplining her... it's actually really cute.  The boys have been out of school for 2 weeks now and this is their daily routine.... ride, swim, ride, swim, etc...  They are having a nice summer and I'm glad to have them home.  Matt and I continue to work opposite shifts to care for the kids.

Mia and I went to the cardiologist on Thursday for a follow up.  Mia is doing well at this time, but her body will need another surgery before the year is up.  Her first surgery shunted an artificial tube from her right ventricle to her pulmonary artery.  Since her pulmonary artery to the right lung is blocked, it was under high amounts of pressure.  Now, all of her vessels could be under that pressure and the ventricle heals.  And the question is will it heal, and are the other larger vessels that her body created to compensate growing or scarred, useful or useless.  The uncertainty of her medical health is unnerving, and her unknown life expectancy is just as saddening.  I find myself at times looking at her and welling up with tears.  I know that she has a better life than she did in the orphanage and that Matt and I are working to give her the best life that she can possibly have.  I force myself to believe that she will have a long and prosperous life, and will continue to shock and amaze her medical team. 

Almost 4 months with Mia!

Mia continues to do well post-surgery.  She had her follow up appointment with her cardiologist, Dr. Yaya, as Mia calls him on Thursday.  She continues to amaze everyone with her strength, but he was very clear that we are not done with her medical interventions.  This is just the first step and he said she may need another surgery next year.  When they went in for the surgery the surgeon found that she has collateral vessels (or vessels that her body created to pick up more oxygen from her lungs) that are larger than her pulmonary artery.  So the next step may be to move those arteries to be direct links from her Right Ventricle to her lung, but we shall see.  He wanted us to know that she is not out of the woods yet, she has a very complex heart and will require many more surgeries.  But for now they are going to leave her alone.  The doctor told me he just wants her to play and be a normal kid and we don't see him again until July and at that time we will most likely schedule another heart catherization.  This will give her vessels time to grow and they will have a better idea of how her vessels are responding the the surgery she just had.  We know that the surgery is successful at this time, because she is so pink and does not loose her breath as easily.  The boys are really happy too because she can play with them.   When she came home from the hospital Jacob asked me if she was going to live a long time now... he is a very sensitive boy and I think that loosing another sibling would be very difficult for him as well and Matt and I.  Both boys were so happy to see that she looked and felt better. 

The boys have restarted dirt bike riding and so far only one collision that resulted in Jacob being run over by his brother, but Jacob was OK.  They will start racing soon as well.  The boys love to be outside, and are typically outside from the time they get home, until it gets dark.  Mia also LOVES to be outside.  I can do yard work for hours and she is content playing with toys outside or simply exploring the property.  We think that she must not have been allowed outside for long periods of time at the orphanage.  When we take her outside, she will tantrum when we bring her inside, even if we had been outside for 4 hours or more.

It truly amazes all of us how far she has come in 4 months. 
This is the little girl we got at the orphanage...

And this is our girl now...

From this....

To this!

She not only looks different, but her personality is really starting to come out.  The orphanage staff reported that she was quiet.  She is not quiet... she is actually quite loud.  And did I happen to mention that she is quite stubborn!  Matt and I are already seeing that we will really have our hands full with her during the teenage years.  She will roll her eyes when we tell her something she is not happy with!!  She is also a real girly-girl, who loves shoes and dresses. She is  intelligent and is picking up the language faster than we ever could have imagined.  She loves to look at and have books read to her.  Her favorite TV shows are Kai-Lan, Little Bill, Olivia, Wonder Pets, and Dora.  We were trying to keep Dora away from her, only because we did not want to confuse her more with different language, but she is obsessed with her and loves the show.  Here are some of the things that Mia says to use daily...

"What's dat?"
"Whatcha doin?"
"Beena" or Banana
I love that Mia calls beds "nappy time"
"Can I help you please"- which really means that she wants help
"I want this one"   "I NEED this one" - we hear that a lot
"This is mine" or "this is meyaya's"
When we get dressed in the morning and we are all done she says "Mia pretty"  and if anyone else gets dressed they become pretty too... daddy, jacob, and logan included
When she plays with her dolls she says to them "It's OK baby.. Mama help you"
Her consistent way of counting right now "1, 2, 3, 6, 4, 7"  and then she days "I did it!"
After she completes an activity she says "TADA!!"
"Oh cap" which means oh crap... that is my fault  I say that a lot
There is some stiff competition when the boys are in school with Mia and George.  If George comes over for pets she will tell him "No George!  That's MY mama"
Mia loves to name all the members of her family and "gammie" is always on the list.


We are all very excited to celebrate Mia's first Easter with her.  Our family has become quite chaotic, but it is a really fun chaos!